Mourning

Tonight there are fireworks.

I love fireworks. Ohmygosh, I do I do! I love the blankets on the ground! I love the dawdling dusk and building anticipation! I love the first "test" firework and the unbearable wait that follows! And then...

I love the way my heart rattles in my chest! I love the colors and the way the big ones look like 3D coming right out at you! I love to cheer for the stupid fireworks like wide eyed grinnin' fool - "Wow! Did you see that one!?!" (who didn't??? duh!)

Used to be there was a group - a group where you said things like "where d'ya wanna meet?" Now I say, "do you want to?"

I'm mourning.

I'm mourning the loss of belonging. Now I ask if I can join. I ask if there can be a group. It's no longer a given.

It doesn't mean I don't have friends. It means I don't have a group.

I'm not "one of us" - does that make sense?

Tonight I ordered a pizza, because I could not bear the thought of cooking alone for myself. Did you know you can get a large two topping for less that a medium one topping? You can. So I did. I got a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

I ate two slices.

The rest is in my fridge.

I don't like extra cheese. I can't taste the sauce. Anyway, what am I going to do with all that pizza? A medium could have been lunch for a couple of days, breakfast for a couple of days, trash shortly thereafter...but a large?

Staring at that pizza on my table broke something inside of me. I was going to go tonight - to the fireworks.

I was going to go alone.

But I cannot.

I've come here instead. I've come here to say this.

For three years I looked for churches, but I could find none. I sat alone in churches time after time and no I wasn't greeted or spoken to, but that's not what I was looking for. I don't mind speaking first.

I was looking to see if they loved each other.

Was there a chill in the air? The movement of the people there - were they heavy with drudgery? Were there canyons in the spaces of the pews?

The people at Little Church loved each other. They were a group. They were groups within groups with the vision of the ultimate group. The honeycomb effect - many-sided people touching many-sided people. I stayed, Little Church, because you loved each other. And I made that decision within five minutes of walking through your door.

But have you noticed? Three years later, have you noticed?

Have you noticed that my group is gone?

Obliterated?

My group has gotten more sophisticated - now we realize that we have "take time for ourselves" when we are busy with work, school and such. And of course, that must be accepted! It's healthy psychology! How dare we suggest the gathering of the saints is not to be neglected!

We've also gotten more 90210. We've had our little love triangles and bygod we must win at all cost! Win! And if you don't, make sure as hell no one else wins! Blow the whole thing apart if you don't get what you want! How dare we be reminded that the last prayer on the lips of the soon-to-be-crucified Christ was that we be "one!"

We've gotten more post-modern. Who needs all the fuss? Who needs the theology? Who needs all those doctrines? Who needs the service or the music or the kinships or the education or the struggles of relationships? Who needs work? Not us - not us indeed! Let not the words of Jesus slip through our lips, "from the time of John the Baptist until now, the Kingdom of Heaven has been forcefully advancing and forceful people lay hold of it.

Yes, I could have called you tonight.

But I could not bear to say "do you want to?"

posted by Headless-in-GR @ 9/09/2005 08:40:00 PM