Gag

My story went astray - or awry - or awol or something. It's because there was a piece I didn't write.

I knew that was the problem, but I wasn't sure what I didn't write.

At first I thought I wasn't being honest about my own dark side, but then I realized I was wrong. It's just that I was looking backwards at it. I hope you noticed that too. There was plenty of darkness. It just gets swept away in light of the way the Good redeemed it.

So, that wasn't it.

Then I thought that maybe I should have been labeling God more often. Maybe I should have been saying, "And then God brought light out of the darkness." But then I realized that I actually really just like nuance. And I like for people to see God on their own, without my flashing neon signs.

"Here's God!" "See God Here!" "Come See God!" "Exit Now!"

So, that wasn't it.

And then I thought maybe I wasn't writing anymore because that's were my story ends. At least for now. How do you talk about now? Now I am experiencing the need to tell you what I' m experiencing now and now I wished I'd quit typing mistaeeee and that this keyboard wasn't so weird andsticky and i've now decided to make a runon sentence witht ypose so you can see how ard it is to writeo about he moment.

Damn. IO suck at tying.

HA!

IO suck at tying??? Typing.

Yes. Maybe that's why I stopped writing that story of mine. All the typos.

Anyway, it wasn't really the typos and as far as writing about the moment - yes it's hard, but not impossible. It's not impossible to reflect on the moment at least pretty close to when the moment exist.

So, that wasn't it either.

I know why. I know why I stopped. Because I wasn't sure how to remain honest while also remaining classy. (If you don't think I'm classy, well...screw you! Just kidding!) What I mean is that writing your story is something only idiots do, unless you're one of those few people in the world who can be humble and honest and classy while avoiding a sense of voyarism.

But alas, I belong to the former.

However, I suppose I am called to work out my salvation, and so I have come back around to the story.

Before this day. Before this time. Before I realized that life was like a slinky...there was my darkness.

To some extend it would be correct to view me as a girl in a bubble. For most of my days I was. A girl inside the pristine bubble they made for me. My darkness lurked there as well, have no doubt. But they took the shape of most people who do it all right. Pride and fear.

It's funny how pride and fear go together. At first glance, it shouldn't be that way, but only a little bit more inspection and you can hardly find one without the other.

But I digress.

I have friend who has says, "living inside the boxes they give you denies you the priviledge of knowing your own evil." I agree. They told me I was good if I stayed inside the boxes, so I did. Results? Pride and fear. But I never knew how dark pride and fear made my pristine bubble because all the other good people looked just the same. And I never knew how evil I could be until the walls came tumbling down.

I got booted out of the box.

Remember? Mr. Big Hormone walked right into the open door of my naivete and kicked my butt right out of the box.

Let's hear it for Mr. Big Hormone...

He wasn't all that bad, really. He just wanted to make out, it's just that I didn't know what that was. And so I thought for the longest time that I had sex. Mr. Big Hormone and Miss Primandproperidiot don't mix all that well.

So good-bye, Mr. Big Hormone.

But my world was spinning and I didn't think I could belong in the box anymore. You can't package tainted, fallen women in the "Good Girl Box." Oh, sure. I was forgiven. But I still was less than I was before. (Come See! Sin Incognito! Exit Now!)

And then horror of horrors...I discovered that I really wanted to have sex. I truly had been tainted. Now certainly, no man would ever want me - a wanton, fallen woman who wanted to have sex? (Stop and Browse! Framework of Lies! Exit 1/4 Mile!)

So. I almost did.

I know, that sucks right? I still can't just be bad. Wake up, Neo. The Matrix has you. Whatever, the point that I need to make, in order to go on and finish the frickin' story, is simply this. A formative part of my life and a pivotal point in the story is that I am a girl who was willing to have sex - screw the rules. If it hadn't been for the good sense of the guy I was with, I would have had sex.

The thing is, though, that without this experience I never would have realized these things.

1) The church allows for no sexual expression in single adults.
2) I like sex.
3) My culture told me that I was less of a woman if I was sexual outside of marriage.
4) Freud was talking about my culture.
5) My ultimate value was based on how good a man I eventually got to marry me.
6) Women are just as sexual as men - on any given day a woman may be more sexual than a man.
7) I don't need sex.

There are many other things I learned along the way, but for now I'm just glad to have this missing part of my story told.

I hope I have handled this with class and humility and honesty. I hope I have caused no injuries.

Somehow, someway - the church has got to start dealing with single adults and sexuality. Single adults are everywhere. And so is sex. We are to be pitied if the only "Good News" we have for singles is that "we have singles group...with some nice looking young men in it...*smile*blink*blink*smile."

Gag.

posted by Headless-in-GR @ 5/03/2005 03:52:00 PM

 

Comments:

Without shadows, you cannot see, for all the glare.

# by:  Steve : 1:45 AM

 

What happened?

There is more than one line that one can go through in this life, Headless.

There is macropolitics, where one knows in advance what is going to happen, because it is all planned...all "boxed" up pretty...no surprises...rather molar...I'm gonna marry a Christian boy...we are gonna be a couple...I'm not having sex until...I'm gonna this...I'm not gonna that, etc...and that is "great," but it is not the only line you are going to ever follow...

Because sooner or later, you will find out about micropolitics...a molecular line.

You will share a secret with someone...you will learn about desire...about intensity. You will see things up close. You will find your "double" here, rather than your "couple."

And, sometimes, the two lines cross each other...other times they don't. So, sometimes, things on the macro-level will not change (the plan is still in place), but, on the micro-level, nothing is the same.

Your list is a mixture of the two...sometimes, they cross each other, at other times, they run together. But one is a line or a plan(e) of desire and becoming, and the other is a plan(e) of consistency or organization. Guess which plan(e) "no sex" is on? I wanna write more on this, in my blog...because there, I can explain it in my own personal terms. But, I really need to find the time.

# by:  Steve : 2:29 AM

 

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