A Red-Room Kind Of Girl

Remember when we were young and we used to ask each other what are favorite color was? (Blue) Who was our favorite superhero? (Wonderwoman) Favorite animal? (Horse) Favorite food? (Burritos - no beans)

Then we got older, and we would ask...

Who's your favorite singer/band? (Diana Ross)
Who's your favorite actor/actress? (Mel Gibson)
Who's your favorite team? (San Antonio Spurs)
Who's your favorite member of the opposite sex? (Joe Rountree)

And so it went.

We asked these questions of each other and of ourselves because we wanted to know who we were. We were defining ourselves.

Who are you and who am I?

You like dogs and I like horses, but we both like Wonderwoman. We are different and alike.

You like Roger. He wears boots and Wranglers. He's quite and tough. He's strong and gets dirty. He rodeos. This says something about you.

I like Joe. He wears Gap and Polo. He's outgoing and funny. He's smart and sensitive. He plays volleyball. This says something about me.

I like blue...

I first liked blue because it was opposite of pink. It wasn't sissy or frilly or weak. It was solid and strong and full.

And then I liked blue because it was deep - like the sky - eternal, forever expanding and always consistently blue, even when the clouds hid it.

And after a while, I liked blue because it was mysterious - like the ocean - concealing life and treasures from those who stand safely on the shore or stay securely on the boat.

I liked blue because it was peaceful - the background that cradles the white dove.

And then...

And then I liked green. I didn't stop liking blue, but suddenly green came alive to me. I remember when - I remember the exact moment. It was March. I was driving down Waco Drive, going from my house to Jon's, to feed E.D. (a cat - who's real name was "Evil Demon Creature", shortened to E.D.C., shortened again to E.D.). There was this clearing to my right where several condemned houses had been torn down in the past year. I had driven past these lots countless times and always I saw poverty, slumlords, homelessness, injustice...

But not this day.

This day, I saw spring. It was the first time I ever saw spring. And it was green. Flowers exploded in the most amazing colors and combinations, nestled in the most brilliant, emerald green I had ever seen. The power of life... The richness from which comes great treasure... The strength that lifts up beauty. And I fell in love with green.

What's your favorite color?
Well...I have two...I like blue and green.
So, like a turquoise?
No. I like turquoise too. But I like both blue and green.
So...turquoise is blue and green. So that would be your favorite color.
Not exactly, I have two favorites.
You can't have two favorites.
I do.
But you can't. That's not what favorite means.

We do this to ourselves, but it is an injustice. Maybe when we were five, it was fine to play the favorites game...to look across every category and judge and say this thing is the best to me and then let that be settled.

I am this way. This is who I am.

But we are not meant to be unmovable, stationary, static, stuck. We are not meant to have one favorite color. We become little people in little worlds, limiting ourselves for fear of losing ourselves. And we are right to fear. If I draw a circle in the sand and call it me...and if I then show you what it looks like when I grow, I will erase parts of the circle and draw the line further out. Do not doubt it. I have indeed destroyed a part of me - I destroyed my borders. And do not doubt this either. I have destroyed what I was - a circle two feet in diameter - and now I am more like an amoeba. Not neat and tidy, but squirting out in all directions...

I have lost my life...and saved it.

I've painted my bedroom red.

posted by Headless-in-GR @ 7/20/2004 09:08:00 AM

 

Comments:

Mmm...

# by:  Anonymous : 2:17 AM

 

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