Confessions Of A Reprobate

I'm a reprobate...well, I might be. And I mean that in a Calvinist way, not an Armenian way.

I am told that Calvinists ("Hyper-Calvinist", "5-point Calvinist" "TULIP Calvinist") use the word "reprobate" to refer to those unfortunate souls that are the "un-elect". Those from the more Armenian background use reprobate synonymously with "backslidden".

I might be a Calvinist reprobate.

What I mean is that I think I might not be chosen. And what's weird is that even if I wasn't chosen, I still think God is the only thing worth living for.

Originally, when the idea occurred to me that I might be un-elect, I thought this would release me to have a lot of fun. In fact, the night that I had this thought, I contemplated getting drunk. I've never been drunk before and never really had the desire to get drunk, but I was decidedly in favor of intoxication that night. So I drank 1 1/2 wine coolers, ate popcorn with Junior Mints and watched "Pirates of the Caribbean". By the time Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom had commandeered "The Interceptor", I had run out of wine coolers - thanks to a couple of friends - so I didn't get drunk. I suppose I'll have to work harder next time...

But actually, there won't really be a next time, because once the movie was over and I was in bed I realized that there really isn't anything I'd rather do than help God and be useful in the Kingdom. And then I felt like I've been rehearsing this my whole life...the story of loving someone who doesn't love you back and finding that you'd still rather love them than hate them or curse them.

The images dance in my head...

Like a puppy who's been kicked and yelled at and still comes cowering, tucked-tail wagging, to the one he loves.

I still might get drunk...

posted by Headless-in-GR @ 6/30/2004 01:12:00 PM