WARNING LABEL
One thing that drives me bonkers...

I bothers me when you tell someone something about the way you feel, or how you realize that you might just be a little bit crazy and then they go and use it against you to dismiss or explain away important things you said earlier.

Like...
You say: I have a fear of heights.
They say: That makes sense- you've always had control issues.
You say: I didn't say anything about control.
They say: That's why you're a feminist.
You say: What the *#@! are you talkin' about, man?!
They say: See what I mean?

That drives me bonkers.

This is a post about myself. I've had some new insights and thoughts and want to write them down. They do not, in any way, dismiss or devalue things said earlier.

Now on to the meat of it...

They say the two greatest psychological/sociological drives in humans are to attach and to achieve. I realized a while ago that all my life, I had achieved in order to attach. Now, I don’t mean attach as in marriage only, but attach as in relationships – all of them. I only made good grades when people cared that I did. If my parents didn't care - I didn't care. If my teachers didn't care - I didn't either.

I recently read a blog by a very intelligent friend of mine. In it, she had this to say:

"In essence, as stupid and Lifetimey as this sounds, I care more about other people and my relationships with them than I do about my own relationship with myself."

This is in fact, exactly where I was at not so long ago. My relationship with myself suffered in order to grow my relationship with others. When presented with a choice of doing things that helped me versus doing things that helped others, I always chose others.

This may sound like a very Christian thing to do, but I don't know about that. The truth is, I don't think I liked myself very much. I didn’t act like anyway. I don’t think I respected myself very much.

That word - "respect" - was hard for me to define. I had to think about it for awhile. I don't have a formal definition yet, but I know it has something to do with "recognizing value". And there is something pretty important about respecting yourself in God's world. I think only people who respect themselves are able to give of themselves for others. What are you giving if you don't think it's worth much?

I think I didn't know I had value apart from others. Yes, of course, I intellectually knew, but I didn't really know it. Sorta like, if I had been stranded on an island, I would have been worthless in my mind - and probably went on and died - because why live? My life alone on a desert island doesn't matter to anyone! But that, I think, is inherently anti-Christian. I guess what I'm saying is I think we might have intrinsic value plopped right down here inside of us by God herself.

Now, even as I write this, I doubt this is correct theology. Correct theology probably says that God thinks you're valuable and that's what makes you valuable. So God is sitting up there going, “Sam is valuable and Jane is valuable and Ben is valuable and Dorothy is valuable…” and if he ever stopped thinking this, we would all just deflate like a bunch of balloons. This, I suppose, it was some might think happens in hell.

Dallas Willard is fond of saying that God wants us to rule and reign with him. This may sound very arrogant, but let me explain. The idea is taken in part from verses that call God's children "heirs to the throne" in Christ. It's also taken, I think, from the idea that Abraham was called "the friend of God" and Jesus, when he spoke at the Last Supper said to his disciples, "I no longer call you servants, but friends." The point, it seems to me, is this: God wants us to grow up into people that can be her friends.

I suppose it would be fair to say God would prefer us to be grown up enough to sit on throne without making a mess before we sit on his throne.

Look, I know this is scary and maybe close to heresy, but hear me out. I believe that God was quite content with God's self before God created anything. God is a community of love that we call “Father, Son and Holy Spirit”. These three are so united that they are one. Now the “three in one” bit can be confusing, but let’s just assume it for now in order to move on with the issue at hand. And the issue at hand is that I don’t think God was lonely before he created us. Or as some people seem to believe, I don’t think God was like – “man, I wished I had someone to glorify me!” and created us. I think God created us because that’s the nature of love. Love creates. And when he created us, he created us in his image. Which means that though I’m not God, I’m like God. I will never be God. But why should I want to be? I should want to be me. Because "me" is a valuable thing! “Me” is not God but like God – and who knows exactly what that looks like unless I live it out! “Me” is "in the image of God" and an "heir to the throne" and someday even "a friend of God" I hope, and that’s a lot higher aspiration than servants or children.

Servants and children are pretty good descriptions for me now. I’m not smart enough to figure out what needs to be done most of the time, so I just need to be told what to do like a servant. I can’t even do simple things like tie my shoes and so sometimes I need God to do things for me that I haven’t learned yet how to do. But, I’m not sure God is hoping I’ll stay this way.

So somehow I need to grow up into the person who is no longer a servant but a friend; no longer a child but a brother / sister.

“Greater love has no man but this – that he lay down his life for his brothers…”

Not for his servants. Not for his master. But the greatest love…in the sacrifice for brothers and sisters.

posted by Headless-in-GR @ 2/04/2004 09:42:00 PM