Gone with January. Only eleven more months to make 2004 worth something.

I no longer like the way people see me.

I'm irritated at their assumptions. I'm irritated that they think they know me. Like I'm a finite thing... Something that can be studied in its entirety and then placed on a shelf... Known fully and not expected to change.

It's like people are waiting excitedly for me to get through growing and become a cog in the wheel. Perhaps it comes with the territory. I'm 29, soon to be 30. Perhaps they just think I'll "grow up" soon - which is code for "stop growing".

And what frightens me is that I can feel the noose tightening on my neck.

I feel like I've hit the ceiling, reached the limits. If I keep living where I am, I think I may die.

Peter Berger says that society is a human construct that assigns meaning to events. I have no society anymore. Events are losing meaning. I construct meaning for them in my mind, but no one else can hear me. No one else is a part of my society.

I feel like my choices are either to go back and accept the society around me and its meanings for events or to find a new society - a new group of friends. This has happened before. I know there's no going back. I don't believe anymore and I'm not good at faking. I only wished I didn't have to leave alone. I wouldn't have to leave alone if others were not seduced by safety or caught by comfortability.

How can one be safe in a violent world like this? We can't, of course, yet the illusion is so popular.

How can one be comfortable in this broken world? The chords are off-key... We can't, of course, yet the illusion is so popular.

I'd rather be done with the illusions - they only bring death. Give me reality, but beyond that, give myself to truth...that one thing more real than reality.

God help us all.

posted by Headless-in-GR @ 1/31/2004 04:53:00 PM